The mountains have deep valleys.

I have never been tossed about like this.

This weekend I returned to the weird and wonderful world of the conference formerly known as OCFF. The newly renamed FMO (Folk Music Ontario) is likely one of my favourite places to be. Each time you turn around there's people I haven't seen in a while, musicians I've long admired, sea shanties sung in stairwells, new contacts, new friends, new crushes, new loves, new thoughts, new music, new collaborations,  new discussions, old discussions and long running jokes.

This was likely my favourite conference so far. I knew my jobs well and was able to help them run efficiently. I'm more comfortable in my skin with each passing year and not afraid to speak up and engage people. I was part of a really well attended panel that was fun and informative and it felt awesome to be able to contribute back to the community. And I've developed friendships that are comfortable even if they only happen in real life once a year.

Things in my day to day life have been stressful on and off for quite some time. Nothing huge that stands alone, but cumulatively it's enough that I've been weighed down emotionally. And didn't really notice it...  Until I started to laugh this weekend.

Like really laugh.
Deep belly laughs that left me gasping
crying
coughing.
Multiple times.

When did I last laugh like that?
The fact that I had to stop and really ask myself that question hurt.

When I finally fell into bed each morning (there's no sleep at OCFF/FMO) I fell into deep sleeps- filled with dreams of joy. No nightmares, no stresses... I probably could have slept without my mouthgaurd. When I woke up, I was smiling.

That is the way to spend a weekend.
Shedding everything else.

And then I came home.
I sat on my couch and readied myself to go back to work.

And I fell over the cliff into the valley with a single phone call.

"are you at home? we lost the baby"

And I quote

There's a little too much in my head right now. It's been a hard week at work.

But I just heard myself say out loud "today I rode in a car and I rode on a train".

I'm either 3 years old or a hillbilly. You decide.

My ding a ling.

The town clock has been under renovation all summer. I've been confused about the time since they pulled the hands off in June.
This Friday they turned the switch and put it back to work....

I'm more confused.

The faces say the right time, but the bells are ringing the wrong things... It's 9pm and it just rang 4 times... at 4pm it rang 6 times.. at 10pm yesterday it rang 5 times....

Ding dong song.

weeping with laughter, joy, and a longing.

I stayed up way past my bedtime last night.
I made the mistake of clicking to read all posts with the label "GTI" and relived years of frustration and joy... then I headed over to "the figurehead's" blog and read the entire thing.
The ENTIRE thing.

"The Figurehead" was a part-joking title one of our team members received in the early years at GTI, back when we were still just GTI.

A quick recap- "GTI" was a group of people that became friends and put on a dinner weekly at the local residential hotel (made up of those who lived there and those who don't.... not "us" and "them"). We had church. We had breakfasts. We walked beside eachother. I learned so so so much about people and relationships there.

Things have changed over the years. Not for the worse. Just changed. And big parts of it are better- more streamlined... heading somewhere Big. But in the move to that somewhere Big, and because of other forces... a portion of what GTI was has been lost. And again... it's not bad that it's been lost. It's a different incarnation. And more people are being reached by more services.

And I don't miss being strapped for cash and spending my grocery money trying to help feed 45 people. I don't miss the days when I was working 80+ hours and trying to fit in time to make 10lbs of scalloped potatoes. I don't miss my car smelling a little like puke and smoke and cats. I don't miss sitting in a freezing room with no bathroom for hours.

But I miss my friends at the motel.
I miss the raccoons, the euchre, the mice, the conversations, the adventures, the laughter, the trying to make it work, the smelly carpet, the long buffet table, the long eating tables, the chairs that fell over on their own, the fuses that burnt out, the draft, the warmth, and the friendships that came from dealing with those weird bits.

Click here to read some bits and pieces I wrote...

Click here to read the Figurehead's blog (I hope some day she publishes it)


I've got to go do some thinking.

Did you know this?

I feel like the bionic woman.
No really... This week's highlights included CUTTING A BAR OF STEEL WITH MY BARE HANDS.

Not kidding.
I've been prepping to build a chainlink fence in the backyard to keep the non-wonder dog secure. One of my tasks was to find a way to make a top rail shorter. What the heck do you use to cut large bars of metal?
Turns out I use my little hack saw.
Thank you google.

While I was doing it I had to keep stopping to laugh. I was CUTTING metal.
Ok, I know it's not something funny... but like... here I am, a girl in her backyard cutting a piece of metal to build herself a fence... it's kind of funny. And.. did I mention it was a BAR OF STEEL?
Ok, maybe it was some random mix of metals...but. whatever.

Added to the list of things I learned to do this week- cut metal, change the blade in my hack saw, what a hack saw is, how to dig post holes around tree roots, how to make chain link not so saggy.
This is a great list.

edit: add to the list, I learned that my dog has zero impulse control. The fence is nearly finished, I showed the dog the fence- walked him it's length several times, tapped on it- made him look at it. The dog ran full face into the fence at the first squirrel he saw. Gave himself a bloody nose and a big welt across the forehead.
My dog is going to break his neck or get hit by a car... I know it.