9/12

three days left in this stretch of shifts...
mantra, there's a good cause, there's a good cause...

During the Spring and summer, when I took some time off from job number 2 (I took a 5 month leave of absence to regain my sanity) I was so surprised at how short the work week was. I'd NEVER (read: in my 16 years of working) had weekends off.
I had no idea that breaks came so quickly... it was a whole new world! just when you get into the rhythm of being at work.. you have a weekend!
Now that I'm back to the 12 day stretches between weekends, I'm back to my time being spent.
When you have every weekend off, you can choose to do things on the weekend.. but you can also choose to do it the NEXT weekend.
When you're working every other- things get booked. Till there is no weekend.

that said... I'm booking an escape weekend for this coming Saturday... I'm excited.

ok, that'll be my last "work is a lot" post now. I've chosen to go this route.

wiiiiindy

today I was glad I wasn't an old tree.

Mac attack

it appears that the neighbourhood just got more awesome. Yet another amazing family moved onto the street. I have visions of street parties, campfires, good times. oh, wait.. those already happen.

The bunnies are excited that they've moved in too... 'Touf is in love with their kids, and FynnPants is from their first litter..

what's new?
I'm increasingly frustrated that I don't own my home. I figure I should at least attain one of the "normal" milestones in life that my peer group has set, and at this point I'm fixating on this one.
sheesh.
problems with this...
1) since when do I care about milestones?
2) since when do the people I went to highschool with count as my "peer group"?
3) houses are expensive... a puppy would be cheaper... and much more entertaining
4) I think it's signalling a midlife crisis.

if someone would like to give me a winning lotto ticket, or a farm... it would be much appreciated.
I'm going to go sort some worms.

back to it all

well, it's official, I'm back to my 2nd job. *sigh*

I'm really hopeful I'll find the rhythm to it all again... right now, it's not happening.

it's 10:20pm on a Saturday night and all I want to do is crawl into bed.

how awesome is that?

Bed in 40 mins.

I decided to start a batch of bread a little too late in the evening.

Sweeney

A few years ago, I headed to a community theatre production of Sweeney Todd, and fell in love with the show. There were some musical pieces in it that I just loved loved loved... and well, quite a few that sucked. Ok, more than a few. But the potential was there.
It has some seriously challenging pieces... last year, I got to see the movie, and wasn't as impressed, they'd cut quite a few pieces out, and the singing wasn't spectacular.
It's so hard to get a good balance, people who can sing, and people who can act.
I'm not an actor.
I know I can sing a little, and I'm proud of that...

So, I'm excited to say, I'm part of the chorus for the 'Umberland Players production of Sweeney Todd!

I'm doubly excited about the chorus, because I know there's some really challenging bits in there that I'm pumped to have a go at.... annnnnd, I nearly didn't try out for this show, as I didn't want to have the huge time commitment (that last year's show required- when all the cast are on stage for the entire show!). So, as much fun as it would have been to play the part of the beggar lady (which I did try out for) I'm relieved not to be her.
I'm just processing all this right now, but I really feel like I held back at the call-backs too... especially after seeing the calibre of the people at the first audition, I felt like it was a joke that I was trying out for a part.... which is totally fine, "you don't know what you don't know" and I think that going into the audition, I was thinking of last year's cast, and how we would operate for this play... not knowing that 75% of the people at the first audition were totally new to me, if not to Players...

Late September

I'm not sure where the days are getting to.

A dear friend said right after the festival something about "leaving real life to face the illusion". I don't know if that makes as much sense to others... it fits so well when you start thinking about community ... real community- and comparing it to our day to day.

Spending a lot of time reading old journals, finding old songs that I've forgotten melodies to. Wondering what it was that made me write them...

there's a lot of disappointment ruining your days
things not turning up
only dredging lower than that point you never figured you'd see
bumping your head on the lowest beam
lower
and it's dank like the basement
when you thought you had the moment
or the choice or the chance
and it wasn't
the last thing you want to hear
are the words from that hallmark
even if they're true
you'd rather be
lower
just for now

stolen from a little bird

Raven: the last four days in review.

the last four days in review.

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Yesterday at 7:06pm

on hands and knees in rows of beans
in the morning sun
picking and eating,
looking out on rice lake,
sharing thoughts and ideas and moments of quiet
with beautiful company
and a smiley bean of a baby
perched in a laundry basket.

down country roads
through rolling hills
eating groundcherries
singing along with buddy and julie
with the windows down.

finding home
in a field
among strangers and friends.
music that moves me
inside and out.
sun soaked sweaty skin.
dirty toes.
no sense of time.

eating together.
sleeping together.
living together.
the stories and stresses and gifts and discoveries
that ooze out of such intimacy
and proximity.

full moon at night
fires and songs
and sweet irish cream.
blackouts
and wipeouts
and moments i wish i could undo
and millions more that i wound never change
even if i could.

journey home
through wild gardens
and secret streams.
blueberry tea in a funny shaped house.
honest conversation,
words that come from the belly
and the heart.
friends that make
even shitty days
worth waking up for.

deep breathes
and no breathes,
tired and sleepless
a jumble
of wakefulness
and wondering.

the fullness
of gratitude.
the richness
of living.
the gift that was just sitting there,
waiting.

post fest blues, after wearing yellow.

the let down.

after something so lovely.

the sense of time, the loss of time.

makes me wonder, makes me adore, makes me hate, makes me cry- tears of joy, sorrow, release.

so many people working so hard... together, in community, in communion.

I get a little worked up thinking about it still... the million tiny fires we'll never know about- that we've never known about- people who work so well as a team that they don't need to check in, they just do it. And in the big things, fall into working for the community, not for the recognition or the chance at being in charge. Incredible.

And the million tiny moments of wonder and joy? I only hope I'm able to share them.

This was a hard weekend. I worked HARD. and I'm proud. I said it, I'm proud of what I did- and I'm also still so worried I missed something huge- that there was some piece that along the way I dropped and couldn't see. And I worry that people didn't get the most out of it. I'm not saying that part to get some sort of boost or response "to feel better" or draw praise, I just want to voice what I'm thinking and worrying...

So if for the next couple of days I'm weepy, I'm distracted, just know I'm going thru some sort of grieving process.

SVFF 3 sleeps

crazy process this... putting so much into one little weekend.

sometimes I look around and I can't even believe it...

all these people, working for the same goal. some have never even been there before, but are just as excited, just as passionate.

i'm feeling pretty run down. it's the toll of switching back and forth from work brain to festival spirit.

and i feel bad about how cranky i am.

but not really.

i think maybe, it's just more unguarded... there will be casualties along the way. meh. there already have been.

it's nearly time!