This one has been a sad week. Random tears, lots of them. Some warranted... some hormones.... others, part of the grieving process. Grieving the loss of normalcy.
We're all dealing however we can. As usual, I'm not looking for sympathy, just an outlet...
Mother's day was this weekend. That one is a hard one at the best of times, it definitely added to the current feeling of loss.
I've been struggling with the feeling of a loss of independence a lot lately too. So much of my life is reliant on the actions of others right now. Wrapped up in work, house building, day to day activities. I feel like I have so little control over so many things.
On the lighter side, I let my pandemic-boyfriend "go" this week. A relationship that wasn't really a relationship, just two lonely people leaning on eachother for interactions. I started referring to him as "pandemic-boyfriend" as a joke. I had this nice idea in my mind, "wouldn't it be wonderful to find love in the middle of a pandemic?"... but realized I was putting pressure and expectations on someone without including them in the conversation. And, while it started as a personal joke (he is the KING of mixed messages), I noticed that I was placing more of my emotional needs on something that wasn't real... and therefore allowed myself to get hurt when it wasn't reciprocated... which obviously was going to happen as I'd made this entire thing up in my mind without including "pandemic-boyfriend" in the relationship.
Whew! "Pandemic-boyfriend" has been equal parts hilarious and exhausting.
I am so good at pretend and built-up relationships!
This is what happens when I'm left to my own devices for too long. I become a 14 year old girl.
I need to double down and read some new books... get myself out of my brain for a bit!
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