Breathe

Know when you're laughing so hard you can't breathe. Or think. Or move. Or stop crying. Or stay continent?

I was out with dear friends for dinner and shopping on saturday night, well... we had dinner, apparently the stores close early on Saturday? 

Anyway,  I often forget past details. I've written about this before. I instead remember everything about the detail except the actual thing I need to remember.

So, we are out and I'm trying to remember the name of a musician who looks like someone I've recently met... except the person is a more handsome version.

Me: I can't remember his name. But I remember his albums...
(in my head- There's one with an apple. No.. I ate a lot of apples when I was first listening to the album... I can't tell them that part... ok... there's a lightbulb on the album...)
um... illuminate? Musician... 1997... '98,  uh.. goat boy... he kind of looks like a goat. Lots of hair. He played at Canada's wonderland.

Manda: I thought he was bald? I just assumed he was bald.

Me: um... uhuh uhuhuh.

Manda and Jen: what?

Me: his name! There are syllables!

Them: what?!

Me: clap clap   clap clap clap He has syllables!

At this point I'm trying to back my car into my driveway... but I'm laughing so hard there's no noise, and I'm trying not to pee myself... and I cant see because tears are streaming out of my eyes and my sunscreen is burning my eyes...
And
Oh.my.gosh

Thank goodness I live on a quiet street with no traffic... it took me a good 20 seconds to get the car out of the middle of the street.

snort

I don't know if you ever watch these things... I keep forgetting about them, then I have a bunch to catch up on when I get back around to them.

Enjoy.

Sometimes they write themselves.

Three things:
 1) I have a great friend named Kevin who can always make me laugh. He's happily married to his partner of 12million years, but if he ever decides to try the straight side- I know I get first dibs.

2) I have a ukulele student who likes to "spontaneously song". She opens her mouth and she's written a new song. This week's gems included chickens learning to swim, "the flippers helped them greatly" was one fantastic line. And yes, it all rhymed. But the best line hands down was from a song about a quilting otter, "cross stitch isn't a skill you often use"... I nearly fell off my chair.

3) My friends often make fun of the fact that I remember so much random (mostly) useless information from the articles I read. They also make fun of the fact that I read articles about these things at all.

The following is what happens on facebook when Kevin and I are online. 

Status update:

I will NOT read the article on tanning deer hides using natural materials. There is no reason for me to learn this.

L.Bo- especially since I already read the article on using soldier fly larva to consume waste and create animal feed protein.. Why do I read and retain this stuff? Why can't I remember my seven times tables?

Kevin- Seven times seven equals an awesome pair of fringed suede buckskin boots. Eight times seven makes them thigh-high.

Nine times seven? I'm not even going there.

L.Bo- chaps... a matched set.

The worst part of this is... next time I'm trying to remember 8x7 .. I'm going to start laughing uncontrollably.

Kevin-No, the worst part is that I'm going to be awake all night envisioning variations of unmatched chaps.

And that won't be the worst way I've spent a night. 

This week

L.Bo-I love you.

Kevin- That's only because you bring out the worst in me. I was a contender for Pope before I met you.Assuming pink smoke would be recognized for the miracle it would be.

L.Bo- So. um. I was just trying to picture the pope in chaps and then realized how very wrong that was.

Kevin- Totally cackled. Totally love you. Totally blamed you for waking up the dog and making him bark, which woke up Jer, who was "watching a movie".

If any one of them was wearing unmatched pink suede chaps, I'd simply die of joy.

L.Bo-  " I simply died of joy" I want that on my gravestone.

Kevin- Cross-stitched. In granite.

L.Bo- Obviously

"cross stitching isn't a skill you often use" ... said by a quilting otter.

Kevin- Cross stitching is no more a skill than ballroom dancing, or making venison jerky. It's an art you're born with. Or buy at church bazaars.

L.Bo- I was born with so.much.art.

Kevin- And I was born with silk floss, patent leather shoes and deer meat. I complete you.

L.Bo- See? I just died of too much joy.

Kevin- Let's make a pact: No dying until the pope wears unmatched pink suede chaps. (Which, in light of recent comments, isn't as far-fetched as one might first presume.) My guess is that it could happen in celebration of the first anniversary of Saint Liberace Day.

Or did you mean "la petite mort", which would cause me to avert my eyes, shuffle my feet and blush.

It was at this point my computer had a temper-tantrum and started acting like I was leaning on the enter key... after some rather embarrassing/ odd posts, I decided it was time to take my leave.... but not before my computer tried to link each line I wrote to "what the poo dude" . So random!

Kevin- sleep well and fully chapped

L.Bo- half chapped= 7x3

foot in mouth... if you have a foot

I was at Lula Lounge this week... and on a trip to the ladies' room I was hit with a memory that nearly made me wet myself.

But I was in the washroom already, so it wasn't a problem.


I don't know if you've ever experienced the stalls in the women's washroom at Lula... They're of the tiny variety, the sort where you have to straddle the toilet in order to open the door. We've all been in washrooms like that.

Last time I was at Lula, I was feeling good, I'd been dancing up a storm... so I was chatty. (note to future self: no one likes a chatty bathroom stranger/friend) Chatty self remarked as she was closing the stall door "hey, you could lose and appendage on these doors".

Chatty self became much less chatty on washing hands afterwards with her fellow washroom goer... fellow washroom goer had only one hand to wash.

True story.

valentine

A dear friend's son went in for heart surgery this week.
He's doing great... holey heart has been all patched up, now he can go back to terrorizing all of us.
(He's honestly one of my favourite teenaged people)

One of the things I get to do at my job is help people get ready for bed, in some cases- it means helping with personal care... and in some cases it means winding down for the day and praying with them before they go to sleep (at their request).

This weekend, we were talking about the things we'd like to pray about, and I mentioned my friend's surgery. I was asked what the surgery was for, and when I replied "to fix a hole in his heart, it doesn't work properly" the individual I was speaking with became very quiet... a serious and worried look crossed her face.

"Does that mean he can't love people all the way?"









**For Matty- insert here a story/poorly timed entrance into a conversation you didn't want to hear**

*** for everyone else- seriously, my friends Kim and Jason have the greatest kids... first post ever on this blog? It was about their daughter**

To : the Myans.... HA.

I wish that I had a photo of the room that I walked into on December 21.

I mentioned that the "Pubcats and Jail Birds" were having an "end of the world" party awhile ago. Sadly, I had to arrive late due to work. I got a txt from Bobert asking that I txt them when I was on my way (suspicious)... and some lame excuse about Jenny wanting to know. I went along with it... half hoping that it was a super late surprise party, half knowing it wasn't.

I played along and sent a txt as I left the house. When I arrived there were a few little things waiting for me...

Taped to the front door was a note that read "Lesley, come in".

I entered the house.

Silence.

I walked down the hall.

A small table with kool-aid and in the room beyond it, my friends all laying passed out on the floor and draped over furniture. I babbled on for the next few moments, partly trying to get them to laugh and stop being fake dead, and partly trying to convince myself they weren't really dead. Sometime after my threat of eating all the rumballs myself and telling them what good actors they were, someone allowed themselves a death rattle... which then set of a series of giggles... children appeared out of nowhere and cried out "did you trick her?" And my friends, appalled that I'd stood there calmly and hadn't called 911 asked why I'd reacted the way that I did....

"You're my friends for a reason, it's totally something I would have tried to pull on you."

yup

The friendlies threw a party tonight... a housewarming/end of the world/Sagittarius birthday/Rob Ford's out of office type party... which was awesome.

I'm on my 5th bout of hiccups at the time of writing this - that's the sort of state of mind I've been at all day, so I didn't last very long... I wanted to, but I was toasted and peopled out even before getting there.

Anyway, one awesome moment of the night went like this...

Me: Hey, do you do karaoke?

Friendly: I don't.. well, I haven't.. I'm not against it, people have offered, I just haven't. I don't know if I'd like it...

Me: Oh, so like me with Pot?

Friendly: yeah... like that!

End of the world.

A group of friends spends every thursday night at a local pub. We've been doing it for 3 years now. whoa. 3 years.... that's a lot of beer and conversation.

So of course we have our own facebook group to coordinate our busy lives- there are days we don't actually make it to the pub, and end up in someone's backyard at a fire, or living room instead.

This week's conversation:

JR: So about that end of the world thing....
       We are willing to offer our house and do a pot luck.

JC: We're in, And we'll bring a crock pot of something.

JR: Awesome! And at midnight if we are still here we bring out bob's b-day cake.

Me: Oh right... what day is the end of the world again?



Tonight is the second annual NUkeO open mic at the Beamish House in Port Hope. 7pm, Ukes and non ukers are welcome.

nearly awesome

After the festival... well, I can't be bothered to do much of anything.

Sunday after the fest ended, my front porch was loaded with all the items that belong to the artists' and children's village that can't be packed into the trailer (things that can't be frozen like paint and glue and markers). Seems like that shouldn't be much stuff right? Markers don't take up much space... except that I can barely go out the front door due to the piles of boxes...
I told the team I wouldn't be storing things at my house this year- it's not my job anymore, and I want to do some work in my basement... I can't do those things with extra boxes in the way. Which is the main reason the boxes are still in the porch. (not just because I'm lazy)

That's not the point of this story.

There's so much crap in my front porch, it took me a few days to figure out there was something extra in the porch... it took me 5 days to actually bother to check to see what it was.

And then, when I knew what it was? I left it there for another 3 days before doing any investigative work.

A backpack.

Mind you, it was a backpack with an xbox, several games, and an ipod touch. I figured some drunken friend had dropped it off at the wrong house, an would eventually get it figured out. Nope.

It sat there.

As I've never owned an ipod, let alone played with an ipod touch, it took me a good while to figure out who it *might* belong to. Thankfully whomever had used it last, had left it signed into their facebook account, so I was able to send a message... but then... I started thinking "why was there no other contact info?" and "who has a nearly empty (aside from music) ipod touch?"... so then I worried it had been stolen, cleared, and dumped...

Obviously I didn't care too too much, I nearly gave the whole thing away **, and then handed it over to the first person who could correctly identify the items in the bag.

Turns out the guy had been drunk when he lost it... best part of the story? He used to live in this house years ago.

I nearly owned an ipod.

Well, at least I've got some reward grocery money now.


**story to come.

hee hee

ok, MUCH MUCH better tonight.

it feels like it's really coming together... a few pretty funny things happened tonight... ok, a ton of funny things are always happening- but some that stuck out::

Horner forgot to wear underwear (don't laugh... it happens) in one scene where he's in a dress... and the dress is suppose to be lifted.... nothing was seen- there were some kids of cast members in the group....

I forgot where we were in the play at one point, and decided to go up on the bridge... as soon as I got up there... I realized I was suppose to be sitting right at the front of the stage... oops. I wandered around on the bridge for a moment or two, pretending to look for something... then wandered back to where I should have been... thankfully, an easy cover up when you're pretending to be high.

Someone popped a button on stage- somehow, I managed to pick it up with my toes (ok, it's a talent) and threw it at the band. I was aiming for Grey, but I missed (well, it's not a talent that'll get me on star search or anything...)

During a rather sad part of the play, in a moment where we need to be pretty collected- each of us trying to console the others in a time of loss.... DC2 and I are in each others arms, DC2 reaches down to grab my hand, and somehow ends up with a handful of boob. 

and I nearly miss singing my part of the duet because I'm laughing so hard. 

oh my.

set the alarm for next year

could someone please remind me that I want to be Bubz for Halloween next year? Please and thank you.

I didn't dress up this year.
Did you?

everybody everybody

new main page to be seen... if'n you know what I mean?

AND new fav quote...

"my parents room is out of town in my car, want to park-out?"

I'd go for it.

awesome in 3s

1) someone googled "crossing rebel flags with bucks in the middle tattoos" and my blog was at the top of the list.

2) D: "it smells good in here, what did you have for supper?"
me: "Beets!"
Roomie 1:: "KFC"
Roomie 2:: "... Capt'n Crunch"

3) Don't want to jinx it, but the house is going off the market tomorrow. As in... TOMORROW. We will need to have a house warming party. And I will need to finish unpacking my stuff.

(4) 16 sleeps till Shelter Valley!

lol....

thank you Natalie Dee .....

FUNNY

Ok, I'll admit to the occasional blog browsing while sitting at the office desk.

I'll also admit that it's one of those few things keeping me from taking up smoking (read that as- I'm taking MY smoke break in the form blog perusal)

 

Interesting side note: there is an online debate/discussion as to the proper term for the discovery of a blog that you end up becoming quite dedicated to.... actually, the debate is more "what term should I use for the anniversary date of the day I first discovered my future spouse's existence via his/her blog"?  Read more about this HERE. 

Anyway. While on my surf board of teh interwebs- I remembered that a friend was blogging her journey of the Camino in Spain, so, quite quickly- I looked her up.

BIG BIG mistake. 

I got nothing accomplished for the next 10 mins as I caught up on her journey (read that as TWO smoke breaks). In fact, I had to shove my fist in my mouth to keep from laughing loudly. No, really. I did.

I also faked several coughing fits.

I was able to avoid suspicion.

I wish you knew her too. 

But, since you likely don't... I recommend you hit THIS LINK right now.

I pride myself on my observation skills... saying that, something is going to be glaringly missed by me in the next 24 hours... or I've pissed someone off by missing something this week/end.

But non the less, I pride myself on my observation skills- mostly of people- their emotions, their needs. That's how I've always gotten by.

This afternoon I was sitting at the desk at work. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a slip of paper laying on the ground by the door. I couldn't figure out how it had gotten there.. it hadn't been there when I came in... but I made a mental note to pick it up the next time I had to get up.

Moments later... the phone rang for my coworker. 

I stood, walked to the door and hollered up the stairs that the phone was for him. As I hollered, I reached down (without really looking) and picked up the paper.

Except that I didn't pick up the paper.

Because there was no paper.

I went back to the desk and sat down.... out of the corner of my eye... 

yup. 

The paper.

This time, I stand up walk towards the door.... and nearly drop to my knees laughing.

It was a sliver of sunlight coming through the basement(office) window, as I leaned towards it, it got blocked by my body... when I stood up and backed away it came back.

By the time my coworker came downstairs the light had shifted and there was no trace of my "paper"... and he kept looking at me as if I was demented.

Normal day in the group home.

Oh, that and the screaming and swearing at me.

good bye Obama pig, and other such crazy happenings

Disclaimer:: this does not mean to refer to Obama as a pig, but rather, a graffiti pig... advertising "vote for Obama".

Tonight, a particularly odd night as far as nights go at GTM... More on that tomorrow, when I can upload the pictures.... just a few words "cat's perfect dream eats".
Think chocolate covered almonds and how good they are... now try to imagine what a cat would dream of.....
actually, give me some ideas, we'll see if anyone comes up with tonight's delight.


So, there's a guy who helps out, and he turns to me (as I'm singing loudly to some random song- on the cd player? in my head? I don't even know). He turns and says "I'll bet you like Cbc music too don't you?" But, he says it in a way that definitely means "too" as in = "in addition to whatever the frig you're singing so poorly" and not "too" as in = "like me".
But, of course, I don't realise this distinction as I'm answering "yes of course" (read "heck yeah, why even ask?" and throw in an eye roll).
To which he starts laughing.... "I love the talking, but once the music comes on, I have to turn the channel".

This is something that I don't get.

I think Cbc plays great music... not nearly enough Canadian content, but you know... a decent amount.

I'm still pondering this as I get in my car to drive home, the radio greets me with the end of a great song, and then a fill in host for "as it happens" comes on and starts talking about some lost and then found balloon.

Something about a large helium balloon that was released... in the shape of a pig... and there was something about Pink Floyd... and like Icarus it flew too close to the sun... (ok, I think on that he was just trying to sound poetic) Anyway, there was a prize for whomever found the burst pig balloon, and it was found in a desert yadda yadda yadda. Apparently the pig was covered in graffiti, and part of it said "Obama" and had a check mark beside it. I only half listened to the story... and mostly it was dumb.

But then it happened.

of all the songs they could have played.... "candle in the wind" was up... it started and I immediately thought of my friend and started to agree a little with his thoughts on the music maybe sucking a tiny bit....

and the song started to play....
"Good bye...."

and was interrupted.
by the host.
doing a voice over.

Elton sang "Good Bye"
host guy "Obama pig"
elton played on....

I change my mind. Cbc plays awesome music.

a little corner of my desk at work... it made me laugh all week. I think I'll start buying myself flowers to keep that water bottle in action... (no fear, I have two others)

The other corner of my desk... also makes me laugh. (Thanks Jenny for the talking button... you have NO idea how often someone comes to the desk and asks to hit it... they need the "pick-me-up" I guess!) (hit the link for your own shot of self esteem boosting funny).

I don't know why I'm posting about my desk at work... that's the last thing really that I want to be thinking about on a Sunday morning!

drama queen says....

drama club was on today... we've got a whole new batch of folks out this year and it's KILLING me how funny they are.
We had a special guest today (one of the girls from "Hairspray") helping us come up with new activities to challenge us a little further. We always seem to revert back to "Drama Queen says", a variation of "Simon Says", but a whole lot sillier... "Drama Queen says act like you're making pancakes".
Today one of the guys took over the show.
He started EVERY time with "Oh! I've got one". Then led us thru a series of acting like various actors and playing parts from his favourite movies... The stuff he came up with was leaving me gasping for air- I was laughing THAT hard!

We're also putting together the pieces for this years play... everyone gives input on what they want to have happen, and a variety of lines that they think they'd like to say in the play (now... remember this is a group of people with developmental disabilities... if there's a line they want in there... it NEEDS to be in there!! And it's always better than anything I could ever write for them). At the end of the process, I'm left to put the puzzle together and come up with a workable script.
I'm especially excited to see how the "Time Warp" fits in with "Snow White" and an individual who wants to play three different parts (he suggested several wardrobe changes).... an old woman, a rocking chair, a reporter, Shaina, and John Travolta.

any ideas on direction for this one?

NB: I'm thinking there's a bus accident and the old woman in the rocker is the witness...

OMGPONIES!!!1!!1!!!!!!

ok, so I'm nearly wetting myself laughing since T.Lam posted about Mark the Ikea Guy.

you MUST... I repeat... MUST watch these videos!

50 points if you can correctly give me the origin of this post's title.